A New Beginning

There's really no way to ease into this blog post: I will starting chemotherapy treatments on Wednesday, January 27th. After a five hour infusion on Wednesday, I will wear a pump for 48 hours. I will be having treatments every two weeks.

My doctor has been following some very small spots on my lungs for a bit more than a year now. These spots have been small and have grown very slowly, so we've held off starting treatment. However, when I saw him in December, he recommended that we begin treatment soon.

The most recent scan showed the same slow growth in my lungs, and a spot in my pelvis near the sacral spine tumor that was treated twice with radiation (2013 and 2014). The concern is that while I am not having any serious symptoms from these tumors, if we wait too long I might start to have pain or trouble breathing.

God has blessed me by giving me these last two years without cancer treatments. During those two years, I made significant progress on my dissertation, took trips with my family, and worked hard at my job. I got to spend wonderful times with my niece, Lillian, and my nephews, Daniel and Oliver. It's been fun to see them grow up these last two years. I am very thankful for these blessings and these great times with the people I love, while I am feeling healthy.

God has also used trials and difficult times to bring about growth and new beginnings in my life. A couple of months after I finished my last proton therapy treatment in February 2014, I developed severe pain, neuropathy and weakness in my right leg. This pain was much worse than anything I'd felt from the spinal tumor, and the pain medication I had at the time didn't touch it.

For years, I had found excuses for not regularly attending church. Most of them were because I didn't want to confront the parts of my life that I had broken, but couldn't repair on my own. Rather than continuing to wait until I had solved all my own problems, God used the pain to draw me closer to Him, because I had no one else to rely on. He led me to Church of the Resurrection in Wheaton, where I am now a member.

I am sharing all of this, because it is the reason I am able to even consider facing more chemotherapy. My experience of chemotherapy in 2011 was hard physically, but even more so psychologically. During the final couple of treatments, my body would start to feel sick again days before the next treatment in anticipation, as if the real thing weren't bad enough.

Recently, I remembered that early on I did have some easier treatments. That gives me some hope for this time. However, if my treatments go poorly, and I am nauseated, tired, or if I have chemo brain so I can't finish my dissertation, or my hair falls out, I still trust His plan. I am confident that God will use it to make me into the person He created me to be. His plan, even if it involves all the terrible side effects that I fear, is better than anything I can imagine.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28 (ESV)

God is working all of this together for my good. I trust His promise and His will. I will try follow Jesus example in the Garden. I pray that my treatments would be bearable and the anti-nausea drugs would work well, but not my will, but God's be done. I pray that the other side effects of the drugs would not happen or not be too severe, but not my will, but His be done. I pray that I will have the energy and focus of mind to teach and to work on my dissertation, but not my will, but His be done. I believe that God will give me the strength I need for whatever challenges I face.

Thank you for reading all of this. I know I went kind of deep, and maybe too religious for some of you, but I felt like I had to be honest about where I am coming from as I approach this next trial. I would rather be on chemo in God's plan, than be healthy and outside His plan. All the things that might distract or scare me pale in comparison to Him. 

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

'For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.'

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31-39