Another step

Yesterday, I passed my dissertation proposal defense! I'm excited, but I am also daunted by what's ahead.

Today has been a good day to relax and reflect on what has been a busy time. It was the end of a really long week of little sleep and feeling slightly unprepared. I didn't get to bed before 1:30 am any night this week. It wasn't ideal to have the defense the same week as the end of school, but I survived, if only barely! At times, I felt like I was just barely getting by, but thankfully all the work I had done on my paper this last year meant that I didn't need to do a lot of "cramming" the night before.

It's nice to have cleared another hurdle and I'm excited to finally get to start analyzing data. However, while the members of my committee seemed excited by the concept of my proposal, it quickly became clear how much work I have still to do to before getting started, never mind finishing.

I hope that I can get a huge chunk of the work done this summer, so I can finish in the fall. It will require a level of discipline that I've rarely exhibited. On the other hand, it's only been God's grace and strength that has even given me this chance to still be here working on this degree, eight and a half years later. I am so thankful that He's given me this window of time without cancer treatments.

That provision of health and strength is accompanied by the supportive faculty members He's blessed me with over the years. I've had many professors who have made a commitment to help me continue my education, from webcasting their classes, so I could participate while on chemo, to my advisor who has walked me through this process and is committed to helping me finish, even though she is leaving for a new job at Michigan State. The amount of stress I see my committee members coping with and the time and energy they nevertheless put into making my work better is humbling. I cannot express how much I appreciate their commitment to me. It is a gift of generosity that is inexplicable to me.

It's going to be a busy summer for me. I'm working next week on a committee to develop my district's new science curriculum, and teaching a class on the new national science standards two weeks later. In between, I'm going to spend a week in Maine with my family, minus Janet (but I'm going to get to see her tomorrow.)

Then, in late June, Mark and I are taking a train trip with my Dad for his 70th birthday. We're going from Chicago to Washington, DC. He loves trains and one thing he really wanted to do was have a sleeper car and eat in the dining car. When we get to DC, we'll spend a couple of days with Janet, and possibly other members of the family. Then, Dad and I might take the Acela home, depending on how tired of trains we are at that point!

After the Fourth of July, I'll hopefully have a month that I can and will dedicate to analyzing data and writing my dissertation. I'll also have my next check up, with a CT scan, in mid-July. The last tests in March showed that things were pretty stable in my lungs and on my spine and no sign of cancer anywhere else. We decided then to wait a few more months and see where things were at. I'm praying that things will stay this way at least through the end of the year, but the Lord is holding all of that in His hands, and I trust His good will for me.

I have seen the way that He has sustained me these last eight and a half years. I spent most of those years running from Him, trusting in my own strength most of the time. I know that I only survived this PhD program, not to mention the cancer, because of His grace and love for me. He has now brought me within sight (however distant and filled with work) of finishing this degree, has healed me spiritually, brought me back into fellowship with His church (I renewed my baptismal vows and became a confirmed member of Church of the Resurrection in Wheaton on Easter Sunday) and given me hope for the future that I lacked for a long time.

It hasn't been an easy year. In many ways, it's been my most difficult year, professionally and physically. However, He caused me to repent, and return to God again for forgiveness of my sins, so "that times of refreshing may come from the Lord" (Acts 3:19) as promised. Whatever the future holds for me, I don't want to be anywhere but in His will.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11–13