Answered Prayer

The last six weeks have been both good and really tough. I've been expecting that I was quickly approaching a new round of treatment for my cancer and this time involving chemotherapy. As today approached, my stress levels started increasing as I felt like a deadline was coming after which I didn't really know what would happen. The last time I was on chemo it was really difficult and that time there was a set end point, and I didn't even make it. I stopped two treatments early, because I didn't feel like the side effects were worth the benefit at the time. I don't regret that decision, but the memory of how I felt during and after treatment, and even in the days leading up to a new round stick with me.

I have many things that I wanted to accomplish these last six weeks. I wanted to finish my dissertation proposal. I finished a draft of chapter 2, but not 1 and 3! I've started attending Church of the Resurrection in Wheaton and wanted to get more involved there, and other than attending on Sundays and the occasional weeknight service, I haven't quite accomplished that, either. I wanted to do my best by my students and prepare them for middle school, and life. That's never accomplished by December 17th, and this year is no exception.

At times, I have felt really overwhelmed. While I have not accomplished everything I hoped, it wasn't from lack of trying. I don't think I've worked this hard in my 11 years of working full-time. I don't remember ever working so hard and yet feeling like I was only treading water, and with today barreling down on me. This may be a more common feeling to those of you with Type A personalities (or maybe you're more efficient than me!) However, I am usually pretty laid back and don't let pressure and stress get to me. However, I found myself at Starbucks at 10:30 at night, being the last person to leave before they locked the doors, and still not finding time to work on all the things I needed to do. A few times, it became to much for me and it just hit me how futile all my striving was.

Normally, I think the Holy Spirit is encouraging me to not take things so lightly, perhaps clean my desk, or pick up my clothes off the floor. I don't tend to be a person that is guilty of over-working or being a perfectionist. However, I do think that the Lord has been teaching me to rely upon Him, not my own striving. Even in my laid back nature, there is an assumption that I can do it, and that I will still pull of a good showing. These last six weeks, that hasn't been the case. Laid back or stressing out? It hasn't mattered. I am behind and things feel like they are falling apart, and all the way along today is looming over my head.

In my own mind, when the doctor said that in six weeks we will look at the CT and discuss whether you should start treatment, I had taken that as essentially a foregone conclusion. There are small spots on my lungs that have been there for about a year and are growing slowly. My blood work has been low since the radiation treatment, but it didn't go up when I had a lung tumor in 2011, so I don't think it is a good indicator for tumors in my lungs (at least that's what I tell myself.) That's why today has been hanging over my head. I made peace with the idea that today was the deadline. I even moved my appointment back a week, so that I could have Christmas in Maine with my family before it started.

The Lord has been doing a work in me these last eight months. Some of the work has been hard, painful and debilitating. However, in many ways the pain and suffering I go through on a daily basis are a gift from God, an answer to prayer. I resolved in those early days, when the symptoms from my treatment started to show up for the first time, that I would thank the Lord in the times when the pain was excruciating. Gordon Hugenberger, the pastor of Park Street Church in Boston, where my parents are regular attenders, often points out that the Lord only disciplines those He loves. Silence would be the sign that He had rejected me. Whatever the natural causes of the pain and loss I've gone through, I know that the Lord has used it to lead me back to Him, back into a church, and back into a desire to do His Will, not my own.

I haven't been living up to that these last six weeks, though. I have been so focused on the goals that I set, and the things that I wanted to accomplish. As the pressure built, I worked harder, stayed up later, slept less, fell asleep while reading the Bible at night, because I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. None of it worked. I hadn't once prayed about today. Two weeks ago, I was at Park Street Church with my family and Dr. Hugenberger preached on God answering prayer. He challenged us, me, to honestly present our requests before God. Don't be afraid to truly ask Him for your heart's desire. I don't know why I couldn't ask God to move the deadline back. I don't know what psychologically prevented me from hoping for a time that was chemo free beyond today.

Even that day in Boston, it didn't sink in for me. It was this morning in the shower. I finally just thought, "Why don't I ask God for another six weeks, or 3 months?" I don't claim to understand how prayer works. I know that the CT Scan happened on Monday night and the blood work was back on Sunday, so what role did my prayer play? I don't know, but I think for me it was a surrendering of my will to His. That may seem odd, because why wouldn't it be my will to have there be more time? I know that I can't do anything to change when my cancer becomes more active, or when it spreads, so I think I was trying to protect myself from the feeling of uncertainty, by being fairly certain about today being the deadline. Either way, I was operating by my own strength and not His. This morning, I prayed that the Lord would give me more time, if it was His will, not mine.

Long story, much, much longer (too long!), my doctor's first words were, "I think you should come back in three months and we'll do another scan." Before today, there was no inkling in my mind that I could have another three months, without the chemo hanging over my head!

All I can do is thank the Lord for answering my prayer and for His "plans, to proper [me] and not to harm [me], to give [me] hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). I can't express (at least not succinctly, as you can see) how thankful I am for His loving kindness to me. "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9).

I'm sorry for writing so much and I hesitate to be so open, but I believe that I would be wrong to keep quiet about what God has done for me. Those of you who read this blog have been my greatest supporters through my struggle with cancer. Some of you have been supporting me with your kind words, your time, your friendship, your money and your prayers for almost 7 years now. I owe you the honest truth about how that support is bearing fruit. Thank you for all you have done for me!

And I agree with Paul when he writes, "Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" (2 Corinthians 9:11) And I don't mean only these next three months, though I do truly rejoice in them. I give them to the Lord, too. I have many things I'd like to accomplish these next three months, including the things left over from the past six weeks, that I couldn't accomplish in my own strength. I pray that I will be able to turn this time over to God and do all that He puts before me, despite the fact that I am not equal to the task. I honestly don't know how I made it through these last six weeks. The few times that I have really thought about the full picture, I've pretty much lost it. My only hope is in God's power. What I've learned is when we're the weakest is when God's power can show through the clearest. He has given me hope that there is something good and something to look forward to past today. It was always there, I just wasn't ready to look at it.

7We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.b This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

8We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

11Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

2 Corinthians 4:7-12

Thanks for reading! (If you made it to the end, you're amazing!)