Another year, another update

Well, it's been almost seven months since my last update, so somethings don't change! I have spent these months living in a condo on the beach in Maine. It's a very popular place to be in July and August! In the winter, it's not quite as fashionable, which is why I can afford it, but it's still beautiful.

This was from October when it was still occasionally nice enough to sit outside and watch the sunrise.

The best part of being here has been being near my family. It's been especially great to see my niece Lillian and nephews, Daniel and Oliver on a regular basis. That was something I'd missed out on the last nine plus years since Daniel first arrived. They're down at Disney World this week and I'm looking forward to seeing all the pictures from their trip!

Healthwise, I've been doing okay. I have taken a break from chemo over this time, because I needed a physical and mental break. It has been nice not to feel sick all the time and to have more trust in my body, so that I can get out some. That said, I still have some issues with the hernias from my previous surgery and neuropathy in my right leg and foot from previous radiation treatments.

Also, it has been a struggle to not be working, financially, mentally and physically. I wasn't physically ready to go back to teaching last August and it's been difficult to get my strength back between not having a set daily routine and the limitations of my leg/foot. I am hoping to be able to work next school year and I know I need to gain back some of my strength and endurance, if that is going to happen.

I've also struggled being away from my church and friends in Illinois. I hadn't been able to be as engaged with them last year, while I was in treatment, but being a thousand miles away hasn't exactly improved that situation. I did visit a couple of churches early on, but it's been hard to get myself up and out Sunday mornings to look for a local church since then. Having the chance to go back to Resurrection is definitely a factor in my hopes to be able to return to Illinois to teach.

It took some time, but I was able to find an oncologist out here. First, I met with a doctor at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, through a connection of my sister, Janet. He confirmed much of what my doctor in Chicago had been doing, and suggested restarting my previous treatment when I was ready to resume chemo. He referred me to a doctor in Portland, who had a similar recommendation. The problem is that I am not sure I'm willing to go back on that treatment.

Over the 11 plus years since my diagnosis, the time that I was on irinotecan have been the worst for me, because of the gastrointestinal side effects. I felt very isolated, because I couldn't trust my body to go out, even near the end of the cycle. I don't want to do that treatment again, but it seemed to still be somewhat effective against my cancer the last time we used it. It's hard for me to say that I want to give up on a treatment that seemed to be working, but I kind of do.

After seeing my new oncologist last week, I'm taking a couple of weeks to decide whether I'm going to start treatment again (possibly with irinotecan or with some other, possibly less effective and not necessarily easier option) or wait another 3 months. While the cancer (originally rectal, that has now metastasized primarily to my lungs) has been progressing slowly, but steadily over the last two scans, I don't have any noticeable symptoms from it yet. However, it's hard to know how much longer that will be the case.

One of the primary factors in my decision is attempting to teach again starting in August. Doing treatment would probably give me the best chance of keeping the disease at bay for the next school year. The problem is that I would need a lot of lead time to recover from the side effects and be ready to work, so I could probably only do it for two months.

I don't know whether those two months are best used to beat back the cancer a bit, while weakening myself further with the side effects of the chemo. Alternately, I could use those two months trying to be more active and get myself ready for working full-time for the first time in more than 2 years. An inherent risk in the latter is that my chances of having symptoms of the tumors in my lungs would increase.

Another factor is that I have a visceral reaction against the idea of starting (essentially any) treatment again. That isn't the only factor in my decision, but it is a hard one to ignore. I'm tired of dealing with chemo and treatments, despite this extended break I've had. I don't know if I can get myself to the point where I'm ready to go back to it again. Sometimes that feels like just wishful thinking, though, because the cancer isn't asking whether I want it to grow or not. It's hard to weigh the value of whatever benefit the chemo provides, against the negative effects of it on my quality of life.

Please pray for me as I continue to weigh these decisions, in the immediate about treatment, and also about plans for next school year. I have to move out of my current place in mid-May, so I need to find at least a temporary place to live for the summer, and possibly longer. Not being 100% sure about the next school year makes it difficult to plan. The financial hardship of being on disability for two years, and working only part time the previous year, is also a major factor. I've been able to stay afloat to this point, but if I can't end up working, then I will need to make some major changes.

Sorry for always taking so long between updates and then writing a novel! It's been hard to think what I'd put in an update, because things have been rather unclear to me during this time. Thank you to those of you have supported me over the last eleven years, and in particular more recent times. I couldn't have made it to this point without your prayers, words of encouragement, financial help and helping hands! I'm sad it's been so long since I've seen many of you and hope that I will again soon!