Day 1: Thank you

Good morning everyone! Mom flew in last night and slept on my couch. She says my "couch is very comfortable!" She's a great mom, who always wanted to be on the missions field, so I guess that is part of why she can be satisfied with any bed.

We're headed over to the Delnor Cancer Center in Geneva at 10, for a blood draw and some appointments. Then, the infusion will start at 11 (CST). The drugs that they're giving me are called Folfiri. One of the drugs is aptly named 5-FU. I took this drug back in 2011. It's the one that I will be receiving over the next 48 hours, through a portable pump. The iri part of Folfiri is the new drug, irinotecan. I'll also be receiving Avastin, which is a newer drug that goes directly after the antigens of the cancer and prevents the development of blood vessels to the tumors. Last time, I did have an episode of coughing up large amounts of blood after my first treatment, so we stopped using it. However, I'd had a lung biopsy shortly before that and it's been long enough that my doctor thinks it is worth the risk to try it again.

Please pray that God will keep the side effects to a minimum and give me the strength to survive whatever side effects I do have. Also, please pray that I won't have any bleeding or other serious side effects from the Avastin.

Thank you all for your many notes conveying your thoughts and prayers for me. They mean a lot and God has used them to encourage me greatly. I am thankful for the way he has surrounded me with people who love and care for me. I know that many of you want to help in tangible ways; please know that you are already doing that. The biggest battle that I am facing is not the cancer, but the spiritual battle of trusting God, and having hope. You're helping me to fight that when you send me encouraging messages and pray for me. Please know that the Lord is honoring those actions, and that I need them desperately.

For example, here are some passages that my friend, Michelle, who has gone through some of these same struggles, sent me this morning. Like her, thank you all for the way you are supporting me in this next journey

                                  Psalm 94

17 

Unless the Lord had helped me,

    I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave.

18 

I cried out, “I am slipping!”

    but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.

19 

When doubts filled my mind,

    your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

                                  Isaiah 43

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.

    O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine.

2 When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.

5 “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
    I will gather you and your children from east and west.
6 I will say to the north and south,
    ‘Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel
    from the distant corners of the earth.
7 Bring all who claim me as their God,
    for I have made them for my glory.
    It was I who created them.’”

8 Bring out the people who have eyes but are blind,
    who have ears but are deaf.
9 Gather the nations together!
    Assemble the peoples of the world!
Which of their idols has ever foretold such things?
    Which can predict what will happen tomorrow?
Where are the witnesses of such predictions?
    Who can verify that they spoke the truth?

10 “But you are my witnesses, O Israel!” says the Lord.
    “You are my servant.
You have been chosen to know me, believe in me,
    and understand that I alone am God.
There is no other God—
    there never has been, and there never will be.
11 I, yes I, am the Lord,
    and there is no other Savior.
12 First I predicted your rescue,
    then I saved you and proclaimed it to the world.
No foreign god has ever done this.
    You are witnesses that I am the only God,”
    says the Lord.
13 “From eternity to eternity I am God.
    No one can snatch anyone out of my hand.
    No one can undo what I have done.”

16 I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,
    making a dry path through the sea.
17 I called forth the mighty army of Egypt
    with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned,
    their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.

18 “But forget all that—
    it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
19 For I am about to do something new.
    See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
    I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

Evening Reading

Samuel 12

7 Now when the Philistines heard that the people of Israel had gathered at Mizpah, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And when the people of Israel heard of it, they were afraid of the Philistines. 8 And the people of Israel said to Samuel, “Do not cease to cry out to the LORD our God for us, that he may save us from the hand of the Philistines.”

...12 Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now the LORD has helped us.”

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

by Robert Robinson

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,

Till released from flesh and sin,

Yet from what I do inherit,

Here Thy praises I’ll begin;

Here I raise my Ebenezer;

Here by Thy great help I’ve come;

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God;

He, to rescue me from danger,

Interposed His precious blood;

How His kindness yet pursues me

Mortal tongue can never tell,

Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me

I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I’m constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

Morning Reading

I'm headed soon to have my new port installed. The Lord put this passage on my heart last night and it still seems appropriate this morning.

Hebrews 12 (ESV)

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. 4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”

7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. 14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; 16 that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. 17 For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.

18 For you have not come to what may be touched, a blazing fire and darkness and gloom and a tempest 19 and the sound of a trumpet and a voice whose words made the hearers beg that no further messages be spoken to them. 20 For they could not endure the order that was given, “If even a beast touches the mountain, it shall be stoned.” 21 Indeed, so terrifying was the sight that Moses said, “I tremble with fear.” 22 But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, 23 and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, 24 and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

25 See that you do not refuse him who is speaking. For if they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape if we reject him who warns from heaven. 26 At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” 27 This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. 28 Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, 29 for our God is a consuming fire.

A New Beginning

There's really no way to ease into this blog post: I will starting chemotherapy treatments on Wednesday, January 27th. After a five hour infusion on Wednesday, I will wear a pump for 48 hours. I will be having treatments every two weeks.

My doctor has been following some very small spots on my lungs for a bit more than a year now. These spots have been small and have grown very slowly, so we've held off starting treatment. However, when I saw him in December, he recommended that we begin treatment soon.

The most recent scan showed the same slow growth in my lungs, and a spot in my pelvis near the sacral spine tumor that was treated twice with radiation (2013 and 2014). The concern is that while I am not having any serious symptoms from these tumors, if we wait too long I might start to have pain or trouble breathing.

God has blessed me by giving me these last two years without cancer treatments. During those two years, I made significant progress on my dissertation, took trips with my family, and worked hard at my job. I got to spend wonderful times with my niece, Lillian, and my nephews, Daniel and Oliver. It's been fun to see them grow up these last two years. I am very thankful for these blessings and these great times with the people I love, while I am feeling healthy.

God has also used trials and difficult times to bring about growth and new beginnings in my life. A couple of months after I finished my last proton therapy treatment in February 2014, I developed severe pain, neuropathy and weakness in my right leg. This pain was much worse than anything I'd felt from the spinal tumor, and the pain medication I had at the time didn't touch it.

For years, I had found excuses for not regularly attending church. Most of them were because I didn't want to confront the parts of my life that I had broken, but couldn't repair on my own. Rather than continuing to wait until I had solved all my own problems, God used the pain to draw me closer to Him, because I had no one else to rely on. He led me to Church of the Resurrection in Wheaton, where I am now a member.

I am sharing all of this, because it is the reason I am able to even consider facing more chemotherapy. My experience of chemotherapy in 2011 was hard physically, but even more so psychologically. During the final couple of treatments, my body would start to feel sick again days before the next treatment in anticipation, as if the real thing weren't bad enough.

Recently, I remembered that early on I did have some easier treatments. That gives me some hope for this time. However, if my treatments go poorly, and I am nauseated, tired, or if I have chemo brain so I can't finish my dissertation, or my hair falls out, I still trust His plan. I am confident that God will use it to make me into the person He created me to be. His plan, even if it involves all the terrible side effects that I fear, is better than anything I can imagine.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28 (ESV)

God is working all of this together for my good. I trust His promise and His will. I will try follow Jesus example in the Garden. I pray that my treatments would be bearable and the anti-nausea drugs would work well, but not my will, but God's be done. I pray that the other side effects of the drugs would not happen or not be too severe, but not my will, but His be done. I pray that I will have the energy and focus of mind to teach and to work on my dissertation, but not my will, but His be done. I believe that God will give me the strength I need for whatever challenges I face.

Thank you for reading all of this. I know I went kind of deep, and maybe too religious for some of you, but I felt like I had to be honest about where I am coming from as I approach this next trial. I would rather be on chemo in God's plan, than be healthy and outside His plan. All the things that might distract or scare me pale in comparison to Him. 

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

'For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.'

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31-39

Another step

Yesterday, I passed my dissertation proposal defense! I'm excited, but I am also daunted by what's ahead.

Today has been a good day to relax and reflect on what has been a busy time. It was the end of a really long week of little sleep and feeling slightly unprepared. I didn't get to bed before 1:30 am any night this week. It wasn't ideal to have the defense the same week as the end of school, but I survived, if only barely! At times, I felt like I was just barely getting by, but thankfully all the work I had done on my paper this last year meant that I didn't need to do a lot of "cramming" the night before.

It's nice to have cleared another hurdle and I'm excited to finally get to start analyzing data. However, while the members of my committee seemed excited by the concept of my proposal, it quickly became clear how much work I have still to do to before getting started, never mind finishing.

I hope that I can get a huge chunk of the work done this summer, so I can finish in the fall. It will require a level of discipline that I've rarely exhibited. On the other hand, it's only been God's grace and strength that has even given me this chance to still be here working on this degree, eight and a half years later. I am so thankful that He's given me this window of time without cancer treatments.

That provision of health and strength is accompanied by the supportive faculty members He's blessed me with over the years. I've had many professors who have made a commitment to help me continue my education, from webcasting their classes, so I could participate while on chemo, to my advisor who has walked me through this process and is committed to helping me finish, even though she is leaving for a new job at Michigan State. The amount of stress I see my committee members coping with and the time and energy they nevertheless put into making my work better is humbling. I cannot express how much I appreciate their commitment to me. It is a gift of generosity that is inexplicable to me.

It's going to be a busy summer for me. I'm working next week on a committee to develop my district's new science curriculum, and teaching a class on the new national science standards two weeks later. In between, I'm going to spend a week in Maine with my family, minus Janet (but I'm going to get to see her tomorrow.)

Then, in late June, Mark and I are taking a train trip with my Dad for his 70th birthday. We're going from Chicago to Washington, DC. He loves trains and one thing he really wanted to do was have a sleeper car and eat in the dining car. When we get to DC, we'll spend a couple of days with Janet, and possibly other members of the family. Then, Dad and I might take the Acela home, depending on how tired of trains we are at that point!

After the Fourth of July, I'll hopefully have a month that I can and will dedicate to analyzing data and writing my dissertation. I'll also have my next check up, with a CT scan, in mid-July. The last tests in March showed that things were pretty stable in my lungs and on my spine and no sign of cancer anywhere else. We decided then to wait a few more months and see where things were at. I'm praying that things will stay this way at least through the end of the year, but the Lord is holding all of that in His hands, and I trust His good will for me.

I have seen the way that He has sustained me these last eight and a half years. I spent most of those years running from Him, trusting in my own strength most of the time. I know that I only survived this PhD program, not to mention the cancer, because of His grace and love for me. He has now brought me within sight (however distant and filled with work) of finishing this degree, has healed me spiritually, brought me back into fellowship with His church (I renewed my baptismal vows and became a confirmed member of Church of the Resurrection in Wheaton on Easter Sunday) and given me hope for the future that I lacked for a long time.

It hasn't been an easy year. In many ways, it's been my most difficult year, professionally and physically. However, He caused me to repent, and return to God again for forgiveness of my sins, so "that times of refreshing may come from the Lord" (Acts 3:19) as promised. Whatever the future holds for me, I don't want to be anywhere but in His will.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11–13

Answered Prayer

The last six weeks have been both good and really tough. I've been expecting that I was quickly approaching a new round of treatment for my cancer and this time involving chemotherapy. As today approached, my stress levels started increasing as I felt like a deadline was coming after which I didn't really know what would happen. The last time I was on chemo it was really difficult and that time there was a set end point, and I didn't even make it. I stopped two treatments early, because I didn't feel like the side effects were worth the benefit at the time. I don't regret that decision, but the memory of how I felt during and after treatment, and even in the days leading up to a new round stick with me.

I have many things that I wanted to accomplish these last six weeks. I wanted to finish my dissertation proposal. I finished a draft of chapter 2, but not 1 and 3! I've started attending Church of the Resurrection in Wheaton and wanted to get more involved there, and other than attending on Sundays and the occasional weeknight service, I haven't quite accomplished that, either. I wanted to do my best by my students and prepare them for middle school, and life. That's never accomplished by December 17th, and this year is no exception.

At times, I have felt really overwhelmed. While I have not accomplished everything I hoped, it wasn't from lack of trying. I don't think I've worked this hard in my 11 years of working full-time. I don't remember ever working so hard and yet feeling like I was only treading water, and with today barreling down on me. This may be a more common feeling to those of you with Type A personalities (or maybe you're more efficient than me!) However, I am usually pretty laid back and don't let pressure and stress get to me. However, I found myself at Starbucks at 10:30 at night, being the last person to leave before they locked the doors, and still not finding time to work on all the things I needed to do. A few times, it became to much for me and it just hit me how futile all my striving was.

Normally, I think the Holy Spirit is encouraging me to not take things so lightly, perhaps clean my desk, or pick up my clothes off the floor. I don't tend to be a person that is guilty of over-working or being a perfectionist. However, I do think that the Lord has been teaching me to rely upon Him, not my own striving. Even in my laid back nature, there is an assumption that I can do it, and that I will still pull of a good showing. These last six weeks, that hasn't been the case. Laid back or stressing out? It hasn't mattered. I am behind and things feel like they are falling apart, and all the way along today is looming over my head.

In my own mind, when the doctor said that in six weeks we will look at the CT and discuss whether you should start treatment, I had taken that as essentially a foregone conclusion. There are small spots on my lungs that have been there for about a year and are growing slowly. My blood work has been low since the radiation treatment, but it didn't go up when I had a lung tumor in 2011, so I don't think it is a good indicator for tumors in my lungs (at least that's what I tell myself.) That's why today has been hanging over my head. I made peace with the idea that today was the deadline. I even moved my appointment back a week, so that I could have Christmas in Maine with my family before it started.

The Lord has been doing a work in me these last eight months. Some of the work has been hard, painful and debilitating. However, in many ways the pain and suffering I go through on a daily basis are a gift from God, an answer to prayer. I resolved in those early days, when the symptoms from my treatment started to show up for the first time, that I would thank the Lord in the times when the pain was excruciating. Gordon Hugenberger, the pastor of Park Street Church in Boston, where my parents are regular attenders, often points out that the Lord only disciplines those He loves. Silence would be the sign that He had rejected me. Whatever the natural causes of the pain and loss I've gone through, I know that the Lord has used it to lead me back to Him, back into a church, and back into a desire to do His Will, not my own.

I haven't been living up to that these last six weeks, though. I have been so focused on the goals that I set, and the things that I wanted to accomplish. As the pressure built, I worked harder, stayed up later, slept less, fell asleep while reading the Bible at night, because I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. None of it worked. I hadn't once prayed about today. Two weeks ago, I was at Park Street Church with my family and Dr. Hugenberger preached on God answering prayer. He challenged us, me, to honestly present our requests before God. Don't be afraid to truly ask Him for your heart's desire. I don't know why I couldn't ask God to move the deadline back. I don't know what psychologically prevented me from hoping for a time that was chemo free beyond today.

Even that day in Boston, it didn't sink in for me. It was this morning in the shower. I finally just thought, "Why don't I ask God for another six weeks, or 3 months?" I don't claim to understand how prayer works. I know that the CT Scan happened on Monday night and the blood work was back on Sunday, so what role did my prayer play? I don't know, but I think for me it was a surrendering of my will to His. That may seem odd, because why wouldn't it be my will to have there be more time? I know that I can't do anything to change when my cancer becomes more active, or when it spreads, so I think I was trying to protect myself from the feeling of uncertainty, by being fairly certain about today being the deadline. Either way, I was operating by my own strength and not His. This morning, I prayed that the Lord would give me more time, if it was His will, not mine.

Long story, much, much longer (too long!), my doctor's first words were, "I think you should come back in three months and we'll do another scan." Before today, there was no inkling in my mind that I could have another three months, without the chemo hanging over my head!

All I can do is thank the Lord for answering my prayer and for His "plans, to proper [me] and not to harm [me], to give [me] hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). I can't express (at least not succinctly, as you can see) how thankful I am for His loving kindness to me. "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9).

I'm sorry for writing so much and I hesitate to be so open, but I believe that I would be wrong to keep quiet about what God has done for me. Those of you who read this blog have been my greatest supporters through my struggle with cancer. Some of you have been supporting me with your kind words, your time, your friendship, your money and your prayers for almost 7 years now. I owe you the honest truth about how that support is bearing fruit. Thank you for all you have done for me!

And I agree with Paul when he writes, "Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" (2 Corinthians 9:11) And I don't mean only these next three months, though I do truly rejoice in them. I give them to the Lord, too. I have many things I'd like to accomplish these next three months, including the things left over from the past six weeks, that I couldn't accomplish in my own strength. I pray that I will be able to turn this time over to God and do all that He puts before me, despite the fact that I am not equal to the task. I honestly don't know how I made it through these last six weeks. The few times that I have really thought about the full picture, I've pretty much lost it. My only hope is in God's power. What I've learned is when we're the weakest is when God's power can show through the clearest. He has given me hope that there is something good and something to look forward to past today. It was always there, I just wasn't ready to look at it.

7We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.b This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

8We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

11Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

2 Corinthians 4:7-12

Thanks for reading! (If you made it to the end, you're amazing!)

Another Six Weeks

Hi everyone,

I know it's been a while since I posted. In the three months since my last post, I had a couple rounds of tests. As they were in July, the tumor markers in my blood continue to be within the normal range, which is a good sign that if there is active cancer somewhere in my body, it is moving pretty slowly at this point.

For that reason, my doctor and I have decided to wait another six weeks and see what my CT Scan in December shows us. That means I get another six weeks with any type of treatment.

I am very thankful to the Lord for this continued break from treatment, especially the 3 years I've been able to go without aggressive chemotherapy. Please pray that I will use this time to its fullest. I often feel like the weeks slip by and I don't get much accomplished. I really want to live with a sense of purpose these next six weeks. I have lots of work to do in my job as the trimester ends and grades are due soon. Also in my graduate work, my work on my dissertation has been suffering the last few weeks because of many tests and appointments. I also am looking forward to spending time with my family over Thanksgiving break. I hope that I will be able to really use this time and not let it slip away, because of fatigue or whatever else is getting in the way.

I also could use your continued prayers about my back and right leg. I have severe post-radiation neuropathy all down my right side, from the treatment area at my sacrum to my feet. It began with severe pain and then weakness in my leg. I've been in physical therapy to help strengthen the muscles in my right leg. That is improving, but in the mean time, I seem to have injured my foot. It is hard to diagnose, because my nerves don't send the correct messages, so the pain I feel isn't necessarily a reliable guide to the doctors. I did see a podiatrist and she got me a boot, which has help my foot a lot. I don't wear it all the time, because it unfortunately irritates other parts of my leg. There has been some improvement, though. At the same time, the radiation has caused issues with my right kidney that are making things difficult! It doesn't seem to end, sometimes!

Thanks for thinking of me and praying for me. It means a lot to have so many people looking out for me and supporting me. I trust the Lord to provide what I need over these next weeks and in the New Year, whatever challenges I may face . Thank you for being a part of that provision.