Another step

Yesterday, I passed my dissertation proposal defense! I'm excited, but I am also daunted by what's ahead.

Today has been a good day to relax and reflect on what has been a busy time. It was the end of a really long week of little sleep and feeling slightly unprepared. I didn't get to bed before 1:30 am any night this week. It wasn't ideal to have the defense the same week as the end of school, but I survived, if only barely! At times, I felt like I was just barely getting by, but thankfully all the work I had done on my paper this last year meant that I didn't need to do a lot of "cramming" the night before.

It's nice to have cleared another hurdle and I'm excited to finally get to start analyzing data. However, while the members of my committee seemed excited by the concept of my proposal, it quickly became clear how much work I have still to do to before getting started, never mind finishing.

I hope that I can get a huge chunk of the work done this summer, so I can finish in the fall. It will require a level of discipline that I've rarely exhibited. On the other hand, it's only been God's grace and strength that has even given me this chance to still be here working on this degree, eight and a half years later. I am so thankful that He's given me this window of time without cancer treatments.

That provision of health and strength is accompanied by the supportive faculty members He's blessed me with over the years. I've had many professors who have made a commitment to help me continue my education, from webcasting their classes, so I could participate while on chemo, to my advisor who has walked me through this process and is committed to helping me finish, even though she is leaving for a new job at Michigan State. The amount of stress I see my committee members coping with and the time and energy they nevertheless put into making my work better is humbling. I cannot express how much I appreciate their commitment to me. It is a gift of generosity that is inexplicable to me.

It's going to be a busy summer for me. I'm working next week on a committee to develop my district's new science curriculum, and teaching a class on the new national science standards two weeks later. In between, I'm going to spend a week in Maine with my family, minus Janet (but I'm going to get to see her tomorrow.)

Then, in late June, Mark and I are taking a train trip with my Dad for his 70th birthday. We're going from Chicago to Washington, DC. He loves trains and one thing he really wanted to do was have a sleeper car and eat in the dining car. When we get to DC, we'll spend a couple of days with Janet, and possibly other members of the family. Then, Dad and I might take the Acela home, depending on how tired of trains we are at that point!

After the Fourth of July, I'll hopefully have a month that I can and will dedicate to analyzing data and writing my dissertation. I'll also have my next check up, with a CT scan, in mid-July. The last tests in March showed that things were pretty stable in my lungs and on my spine and no sign of cancer anywhere else. We decided then to wait a few more months and see where things were at. I'm praying that things will stay this way at least through the end of the year, but the Lord is holding all of that in His hands, and I trust His good will for me.

I have seen the way that He has sustained me these last eight and a half years. I spent most of those years running from Him, trusting in my own strength most of the time. I know that I only survived this PhD program, not to mention the cancer, because of His grace and love for me. He has now brought me within sight (however distant and filled with work) of finishing this degree, has healed me spiritually, brought me back into fellowship with His church (I renewed my baptismal vows and became a confirmed member of Church of the Resurrection in Wheaton on Easter Sunday) and given me hope for the future that I lacked for a long time.

It hasn't been an easy year. In many ways, it's been my most difficult year, professionally and physically. However, He caused me to repent, and return to God again for forgiveness of my sins, so "that times of refreshing may come from the Lord" (Acts 3:19) as promised. Whatever the future holds for me, I don't want to be anywhere but in His will.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11–13

Answered Prayer

The last six weeks have been both good and really tough. I've been expecting that I was quickly approaching a new round of treatment for my cancer and this time involving chemotherapy. As today approached, my stress levels started increasing as I felt like a deadline was coming after which I didn't really know what would happen. The last time I was on chemo it was really difficult and that time there was a set end point, and I didn't even make it. I stopped two treatments early, because I didn't feel like the side effects were worth the benefit at the time. I don't regret that decision, but the memory of how I felt during and after treatment, and even in the days leading up to a new round stick with me.

I have many things that I wanted to accomplish these last six weeks. I wanted to finish my dissertation proposal. I finished a draft of chapter 2, but not 1 and 3! I've started attending Church of the Resurrection in Wheaton and wanted to get more involved there, and other than attending on Sundays and the occasional weeknight service, I haven't quite accomplished that, either. I wanted to do my best by my students and prepare them for middle school, and life. That's never accomplished by December 17th, and this year is no exception.

At times, I have felt really overwhelmed. While I have not accomplished everything I hoped, it wasn't from lack of trying. I don't think I've worked this hard in my 11 years of working full-time. I don't remember ever working so hard and yet feeling like I was only treading water, and with today barreling down on me. This may be a more common feeling to those of you with Type A personalities (or maybe you're more efficient than me!) However, I am usually pretty laid back and don't let pressure and stress get to me. However, I found myself at Starbucks at 10:30 at night, being the last person to leave before they locked the doors, and still not finding time to work on all the things I needed to do. A few times, it became to much for me and it just hit me how futile all my striving was.

Normally, I think the Holy Spirit is encouraging me to not take things so lightly, perhaps clean my desk, or pick up my clothes off the floor. I don't tend to be a person that is guilty of over-working or being a perfectionist. However, I do think that the Lord has been teaching me to rely upon Him, not my own striving. Even in my laid back nature, there is an assumption that I can do it, and that I will still pull of a good showing. These last six weeks, that hasn't been the case. Laid back or stressing out? It hasn't mattered. I am behind and things feel like they are falling apart, and all the way along today is looming over my head.

In my own mind, when the doctor said that in six weeks we will look at the CT and discuss whether you should start treatment, I had taken that as essentially a foregone conclusion. There are small spots on my lungs that have been there for about a year and are growing slowly. My blood work has been low since the radiation treatment, but it didn't go up when I had a lung tumor in 2011, so I don't think it is a good indicator for tumors in my lungs (at least that's what I tell myself.) That's why today has been hanging over my head. I made peace with the idea that today was the deadline. I even moved my appointment back a week, so that I could have Christmas in Maine with my family before it started.

The Lord has been doing a work in me these last eight months. Some of the work has been hard, painful and debilitating. However, in many ways the pain and suffering I go through on a daily basis are a gift from God, an answer to prayer. I resolved in those early days, when the symptoms from my treatment started to show up for the first time, that I would thank the Lord in the times when the pain was excruciating. Gordon Hugenberger, the pastor of Park Street Church in Boston, where my parents are regular attenders, often points out that the Lord only disciplines those He loves. Silence would be the sign that He had rejected me. Whatever the natural causes of the pain and loss I've gone through, I know that the Lord has used it to lead me back to Him, back into a church, and back into a desire to do His Will, not my own.

I haven't been living up to that these last six weeks, though. I have been so focused on the goals that I set, and the things that I wanted to accomplish. As the pressure built, I worked harder, stayed up later, slept less, fell asleep while reading the Bible at night, because I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. None of it worked. I hadn't once prayed about today. Two weeks ago, I was at Park Street Church with my family and Dr. Hugenberger preached on God answering prayer. He challenged us, me, to honestly present our requests before God. Don't be afraid to truly ask Him for your heart's desire. I don't know why I couldn't ask God to move the deadline back. I don't know what psychologically prevented me from hoping for a time that was chemo free beyond today.

Even that day in Boston, it didn't sink in for me. It was this morning in the shower. I finally just thought, "Why don't I ask God for another six weeks, or 3 months?" I don't claim to understand how prayer works. I know that the CT Scan happened on Monday night and the blood work was back on Sunday, so what role did my prayer play? I don't know, but I think for me it was a surrendering of my will to His. That may seem odd, because why wouldn't it be my will to have there be more time? I know that I can't do anything to change when my cancer becomes more active, or when it spreads, so I think I was trying to protect myself from the feeling of uncertainty, by being fairly certain about today being the deadline. Either way, I was operating by my own strength and not His. This morning, I prayed that the Lord would give me more time, if it was His will, not mine.

Long story, much, much longer (too long!), my doctor's first words were, "I think you should come back in three months and we'll do another scan." Before today, there was no inkling in my mind that I could have another three months, without the chemo hanging over my head!

All I can do is thank the Lord for answering my prayer and for His "plans, to proper [me] and not to harm [me], to give [me] hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). I can't express (at least not succinctly, as you can see) how thankful I am for His loving kindness to me. "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9).

I'm sorry for writing so much and I hesitate to be so open, but I believe that I would be wrong to keep quiet about what God has done for me. Those of you who read this blog have been my greatest supporters through my struggle with cancer. Some of you have been supporting me with your kind words, your time, your friendship, your money and your prayers for almost 7 years now. I owe you the honest truth about how that support is bearing fruit. Thank you for all you have done for me!

And I agree with Paul when he writes, "Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" (2 Corinthians 9:11) And I don't mean only these next three months, though I do truly rejoice in them. I give them to the Lord, too. I have many things I'd like to accomplish these next three months, including the things left over from the past six weeks, that I couldn't accomplish in my own strength. I pray that I will be able to turn this time over to God and do all that He puts before me, despite the fact that I am not equal to the task. I honestly don't know how I made it through these last six weeks. The few times that I have really thought about the full picture, I've pretty much lost it. My only hope is in God's power. What I've learned is when we're the weakest is when God's power can show through the clearest. He has given me hope that there is something good and something to look forward to past today. It was always there, I just wasn't ready to look at it.

7We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.b This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

8We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

11Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

2 Corinthians 4:7-12

Thanks for reading! (If you made it to the end, you're amazing!)

Another Six Weeks

Hi everyone,

I know it's been a while since I posted. In the three months since my last post, I had a couple rounds of tests. As they were in July, the tumor markers in my blood continue to be within the normal range, which is a good sign that if there is active cancer somewhere in my body, it is moving pretty slowly at this point.

For that reason, my doctor and I have decided to wait another six weeks and see what my CT Scan in December shows us. That means I get another six weeks with any type of treatment.

I am very thankful to the Lord for this continued break from treatment, especially the 3 years I've been able to go without aggressive chemotherapy. Please pray that I will use this time to its fullest. I often feel like the weeks slip by and I don't get much accomplished. I really want to live with a sense of purpose these next six weeks. I have lots of work to do in my job as the trimester ends and grades are due soon. Also in my graduate work, my work on my dissertation has been suffering the last few weeks because of many tests and appointments. I also am looking forward to spending time with my family over Thanksgiving break. I hope that I will be able to really use this time and not let it slip away, because of fatigue or whatever else is getting in the way.

I also could use your continued prayers about my back and right leg. I have severe post-radiation neuropathy all down my right side, from the treatment area at my sacrum to my feet. It began with severe pain and then weakness in my leg. I've been in physical therapy to help strengthen the muscles in my right leg. That is improving, but in the mean time, I seem to have injured my foot. It is hard to diagnose, because my nerves don't send the correct messages, so the pain I feel isn't necessarily a reliable guide to the doctors. I did see a podiatrist and she got me a boot, which has help my foot a lot. I don't wear it all the time, because it unfortunately irritates other parts of my leg. There has been some improvement, though. At the same time, the radiation has caused issues with my right kidney that are making things difficult! It doesn't seem to end, sometimes!

Thanks for thinking of me and praying for me. It means a lot to have so many people looking out for me and supporting me. I trust the Lord to provide what I need over these next weeks and in the New Year, whatever challenges I may face . Thank you for being a part of that provision.

Final summer check up

I realize it's been a while since I posted here, so I thought I would post an update about how things are going. I saw the medical oncologist today following some blood work that I had done last week. It's the fourth month now that my cancer markers have been in the normal range. That's a good sign that the tumor on my spine is under control following radiation treatment, because those markers were highly elevated during the winter. I'm going to have a CT scan in September, because it's been a while since we have done a full scan. Until then, it looks like I'm in the clear, except for some issues with pain caused by the radiation treatment.

I can't believe that the summer is almost over! I'm looking forward to taking a car trip with my parents over the next few weeks. Thursday night, Mom and I are going to drive from Chicago and head South to visit Janet at her new place in Charlotte. Along the way, were going to stop and see friends and relatives that we haven't seen in a while. Then, we'll head home to Maine for a few days. After a couple of days at home, we're heading to Hershey Park and Gettysburg as a whole family, before Mom, Dad and I head back to Illinois. We'll stop and hopefully see a few more friends and family that we haven't seen for a while, before Mom flies home. It hasn't been officially decided  whether Dad is going to fly back with her or take the train. I'm in favor of the train, because he loves trains so much. In fact, I got him a train set for his birthday this year, because I know how much he loved the one he had as a child.

The only person I know who loves trains more than Dad is my nephew, Daniel!

He has lots of fun playing with "Papa's train".

So, I'm looking forward to the rest of the summer and trying to make sure that I am ready for another school year, both in teaching and working on my dissertation. Thank you to all of you who have supported me these past six and half years with your prayers, generosity and words of encouragement.

Good blood work results

I saw the doctor on Wednesday after having some blood work done. The CT scan back in March showed that tumor on my spine was stable, which is normal that soon after treatment, and that a tiny spot on my right lung that had grown slightly. Also, the tumor markers in my blood fell sharply, after having risen steadily the last few months. This week's tests found my CEA down to 2.0 which is as low as it's been since August, and a good sign that the treatment had some significant effect on the tumor.

This is good news. We had talked about possibly starting chemotherapy, if the numbers had started increasing. Now, we will wait until after school is over in early June before doing a PET scan to see where things are at that point. I'm glad to be able to finish the school year and hopefully get some work done on my dissertation these next few weeks.

Thanks for you continued prayers and words of encouragement!

Unexpected good news

About halfway through treatment, despite being told that the treatment center would get preapproval from my insurance company, I was informed that my claim for proton therapy was being denied. Blue Cross and Blue Shield claimed that proton therapy was experimental for recurrent rectal cancer and not medically necessary. Needless to say, this was quite frustrating and upsetting as it would result in thousands of dollars in medical expenses that I would have to pay out of pocket.

I've spent the last two months dealing with the insurance company, the cancer center and patient advocacy foundations, with the help of my sister Janet. Down to the final external appeal, we had both become increasingly pessimistic about the chances that the denial would be overturned. While, my doctors insisted that the treatment was not experimental and was definitely necessary, it seemed like things weren't coming together to make our case as strong as possible. On Sunday, Janet and I both lamented that it seemed like the appeal was going no where.

However, I received a call today from the proton center telling me that the denial had been overturned, and that my treatment would be covered! The woman I spoke to sounded as shocked as I was.

Obviously, I am thankful for the external review board's decision. I haven't seen the official paperwork yet, but it seems that my doctors were vindicated in the end. However, I cannot help but see the Lord's hand in this circumstance and I want to thank all of you for your prayers over the last couple of months. This is a big burden of worry off of my shoulders and I couldn't be more thankful.

Follow up visit

I saw the doctor for a follow up today. The tumors near and on my spine are stable, which I guess is normal with radiation treatment. Also, the tumor markers declined significantly, after going up quite a bit the last three times. To continue to monitor these tumors, along with another small spot that we're following, we've decided to do another blood test in April and a CT in May. Hopefully, things will hold steady or shows signs of improvement at that point.

I'm glad to have at least another month and spring break before starting treatment again. I'm presenting at the American Educational Research Association conference in Philadelphia over Spring break. I'm glad not to have treatment stop me from doing it the way it has the two other times I've had the chance to present at a conference.

On the insurance front, we're still waiting to hear about the external appeal that the treatment center filed in my behalf. I'm not terribly hopeful that the denial will get overturned, but I guess there is still the chance if a miracle.

Thank you for your prayers and support these last couple months as I went through treatment. It means a lot.