Another journey

It's been a really long time since I made a blog post. I'm sorry about that and for the fact that I probably won't be any more consistent in the future (except maybe consistent about not doing regular updates.)

The world has changed a lot in the last 8 months for everyone! The advent of the pandemic meant that I didn't get to go home this spring to visit my family as I'd hoped. That was really disappointing. It also meant that I couldn't attend Easter services at my church, which was something I was planning to take a break from treatment to do. On the other hand, I have been blessed in many ways during this time. While everyone else had to quickly adjust to staying home and interacting with family and friends through Zoom or Google Hangout, that has been my life for much of the last 3 years, so it wasn't a huge adjustment for me.

While my church couldn't hold services in person, they began live streaming services something that they hadn't done before, so I got to be "there" for a lot more services than I would have been able to during treatment in normal times. My small group always made the effort to include me "virtually" in our bi-weekly meetings, so it wasn't really an adjustment for me when we all had to attend that way. I am conscious of how hard the transition has been on so many people, so I am thankful for the small blessings.

I did six months of this most recent round of chemo (irinotecan and erbitux). This period and the 10 months I did a couple of years ago have been the most difficult chemo regimen I've had in the 12 and half years since my rectal cancer diagnosis. I was strongly considering taking a break, because the side effects were wearing me down physically and mentally. The results of my CT scan at the end of April made that decision for me as the tumors in my lungs grew despite the five rounds of chemo we did between February and April. That meant that the drugs were no longer effective.

I decided to take a month to consider my options. In terms of medical options, there are limited ones left. One option is to go back through some of the drugs that already failed and try them again. This feels really illogical to me. Perhaps there is a medical basis to hope that they might work again, but I don't think I could mentally survive 3 months of chemo that has a high likelihood will fail. Another option is a couple of oral chemos that can hold tumors steady and slow spread, but almost never reduce the size of tumors. I guess a third option is to look into a clinical trial.

I did not to start chemo again in June, because by that point I had decided to not renew my lease. As I said above, I've adjusted pretty well to the lock downs and quarantines, but being isolated and a thousand miles from most of my family seemed like an untenable thing at this point. That's especially true when the main reasons for my returning to Illinois, the possibility of teaching and the chance to attend my church in person, are both not possible in the current environment, especially when I have already compromised lungs. I'm going to miss all the people here (again), but I am thankful that I'll still be able to participate in my church, though from afar.

So that's a long way to say that I'm moving back to Maine at the end of next week. I'm going to be staying in an extended stay hotel for at least a couple of months. My family and I are exploring some options for the longer term. Thankfully, I was able to access a portion of my life insurance policy, so I have more flexibility and options than I would have otherwise.

Another bit of news is that I started another master's program at NIU. It will lead to my being licensed as a library media specialist, along with my elementary teaching license. It has both the benefit of giving me something to do with my time and the chance that I might have the option to work in a more flexible environment than the classroom for working around chemo. That's possibility is likely at least a couple of years off, but I have been enjoying the chance to learn and engage my mind again. The program is entirely online, so that has been a blessing both for me during chemo and with the pandemic.

Thank you to all of you for supporting and encouraging me over the years! It really means a lot. Thank you for your continued prayers as I move and as I make decisions about whether to start chemo again over the next month or so. My insurance won't switch over until August, so it will be at least then before I start anything new. I will try to remember to update once I've made a decision.