Difficult Decision

After months of indecision, I am going to take another leave of absence from work. I'm disappointed that I won't be able to teach again this year. I could use your prayers for peace about this decision, as I am still unsure about it, and guidance about the next year. In the next couple of weeks, I need to decide whether I am going to stay in Illinois or move back to Maine, and eventually will have to make decisions about my treatment going forward. 

This has been a long and challenging year, because of the side effects of my chemo treatments. Overall, the chemo kept the cancer in check, which is a blessing, but being out of work and unable to trust my body because of the side effects was frustrating and very isolating. If I am healthier cancer-wise after this year, I feel less healthy in most other respects. 

For that reason among others, I really had been hoping to return to teaching this coming school year. I would need to be completely off of treatment in order to do that, and the slow moving nature of my chemo (so far) made that a possibility. However, there were no guarantees and in early July my doctor was non-committal past early October. That presented me with a dilemma of whether I should give working a chance and risk having to leave mid-year or stay on disability for another year. 

This has been the most difficult decision that I have ever made. I can see positives, negatives, and huge risks to both options. I really have been struggling with this decision since February, but had decided to start the process of returning, hoping that things would be more clear at the year progressed. Frustratingly, I haven't felt strongly about either option for more than a day or two at most, and then would swing wildly back to the other decision, or return to feeling like there was no way I could make a choice. 

I waited until this most recent CT scan, which showed slight improvement in the tumors on my lungs, hoping that it would clarify things, but I was left with the same uncertainty. Even now, as I've made a "decision", I am not sure that it was the right one, or that there even is a "right" decision.  

A number of things concern me about this decision. First, it is a huge financial hit for me to not work for another school year. Essentially, I have been living on 40% of my salary for a year and a half, as I was only able to work part-time in early 2017, before taking this past school year off completely. The generosity of family, friends and my parents' church helped me to stay in my apartment this past year, but I have taken on significant debt to supplement that. I am not able to continue doing that, so I need to find a way to drastically cut my expenses.

I am also concerned about how isolated I felt during treatments this past year. I had lots of people reaching out to me and my mom came to visit once a month, but the side effects made it nearly impossible for me to venture out of my apartment or to invite other people to visit. Part of what makes me consider moving to Maine is being closer to my family and hopefully reducing some of that isolation while I am in active treatment.

To some extent, the side effects are specific to the type of chemo that I have been on, but since it seems to still be effective it would be risky to give up on it. However, over the last few months I have felt ready to move onto the next treatment option, and I still feel that way at times. In the meantime, I am thankful for at least a break from the chemo, so I can complete this transition period.

I am also drawn to staying here in Illinois, because of the many friendships I have developed over the last 21 years and my church community. I hesitate to leave, especially as I now have at least a short period of time where I can re-engage those relationships as my body recovers from treatment. If staying here is going to make sense, I will need to figure out a way to still be able to visit my family and to avoid the isolation that I felt this past year, when/if I return to my current chemo treatment.

While I'm not sure if I have made the "right" decision, I do trust that God has a plan for me and that it is good, even in the midst of suffering. The generosity, encouragement and prayers of so many people have helped to get me through this last year. The best moments of light in a difficult year were the direct result of the generosity and concern of my family and friends. Whether it was the ability to go home to visit family, participate in my church small groups via videoconferencing or my mom being able to fly out here once a month, you all did things that helped me to survive this past year. I am very thankful for your support, encouragement and you continuing to hold me up in prayer.