I know that my doctor would like me to stay in treatment indefinitely, because studies show that when you stay on some form of chemotherapy as a maintenance dose that the cancer recurs or progresses at a later date than when you take a complete break. The problem I have with that is that the extra time that I would get without progression is time while I am on chemo. I'm already noticing that it is taking longer for my body to recover from the treatments, and I'm having trouble with the dietary restrictions (no raw vegetables or fiber rich foods) that keep my digestive system functioning normally. If I had my way, I'd like to stop treatment sometime in July, so that I could have a real break leading into the next school year, with the plan to revisit in October. That would allow me to have time to recover, enjoy part of the summer and be ready for the new school year. I also want the chance to get things established with my class before I have to start leaving for treatments. Also, hopefully the scans would be encouraging enough in October that I could have even more time treatment free.
That is my prayer for the short term future with my cancer. I trust that the Lord's plan is greater than mine, so while I step forward with this plan in mind, I'm trying to be like Jonathan, the son of King Saul in 1 Samuel. He and his armor-bearer faced an invading army that was a much larger and better positioned foe, and he says,
"Perhaps the LORD will act on our behalf. Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few." 1 Samuel 14:6 (NIV;1984)I don't think that his "perhaps" was a sign of his lack of faith, but an acknowledgement that whatever God was planning was best. However, he knew that it was certainly possible that that God could use Jonathan and his armor-bearer to defeat a much stronger opponent, who had the high ground. That's a sign of really strong faith in my book, acknowledging your weakness, but being willing to risk it all, because you know that God is able to save you "whether by many or by few", and yet leaving the ultimate outcome in His hands. So perhaps, I will have a break later in the summer and start the school year healthy. And perhaps, the Lord will keep the cancer at bay into the school year, so I can develop a good rapport with my students. And perhaps, He will heal my cancer miraculously, or through a treatment regiment that no longer requires me to miss so much work. Whatever, His plan is it is better than anything I can imagine, even if it is not these hopes and prayers of mine. I am in a win-win-win situation, I truly believe that. I wish I lived out in my actions what the Apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians a bit better, but it is my fervent hope and faith.
Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. (2 Corinthians 5:6-9)In my quest to live in a way that is pleasing to God, he also has given me armor bearers. Jonathan's armor bearer was committed to him, even to the point of giving up his life. So many of you are acting as my armor-bearer. You have come alongside me and carried what I cannot, whether through prayer, through encouraging notes and through practical support like driving me to treatment, as my friend Brett and my family members have done. For example, my brother Mark has flown in for the last two treatment, and he was willing to fly in late Tuesday and out Wednesday night, because he knew that even those few hours of being with me meant the difference between me being anxious or not.
It means so much the sacrifices he and others are making on my behalf. The valuable time that I get to spend with my mother every other treatment comes about because my sister, Janet, pays for her outbound tickets, my sister, Elizabeth, finds daycare for my nephew Oliver, my brother helps me coordinate and pay for the return flights and my Dad drives down to Boston or Manchester to pick her up. They and many others do this without grumbling. They respond like Jonathan's armor-bearer in Samuel 14:7,
“Do all that you have in mind,” his armour-bearer said. “Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.”I feel that level of companionship from so many people. At work, I am supported by my principal, who has hired a full-time substitute for even the days when I am present. This has been a huge help to me and the children. Mrs. Smolek is an excellent and experienced teacher, who has made this time so much easier. I am thankful to the Lord that she was available. There are other teachers who've pitched in in ways that have made my life easier and they did it without being asked. They just saw the need and asked if they could fill it.
At church, my small group has been praying for me and John, from my small group, at church has delivered my mom safely to my apartment a number of times, saving us money on a taxi. It has been a blessing from the Lord, and he's joked with us and shared his DVDs of Monty Python and Dr. Who with me.
Others, have expressed their willingness to help in any way possible. To be honest, I am humbled by this outpouring of help, because I'm still doing pretty well handling things on my own. I know there may come a time when that isn't the case and I know these people, and many others waiting in the wings will be there to help fill the gap. Thank you to all of you for being such great friends. It means more than you can imagine.
The other date (assuming you've made it this far) is my dissertation defense, which is scheduled for June 22nd. I've sent my draft off to a freelance editor and formatter, as the graduate school is pretty picky about the way they want the dissertation to look. It's not a cheap process, but I think it's worth having another set of eyes looking at it. I can work on it for a day or two, but by the end my eyes start crossing and it's entirely possible, that especially when it comes to formatting tables, that I'm just making it worse.
I feel pretty confident about where the paper is at, but the defense will be a never-wracking event anyway. My paper is called: WHY DO WE NEED TO LEARN THIS? AN INVESTIGATION OF THE ASSOCIATION BETWEEN SCIENCE TEACHERS’ USE OF UTILITY VALUE STATEMENTS AND STUDENTS’ IMMEDIATE AND GLOBAL PERCEPTIONS OF SCIENCE UTILITY. (Sorry for the all-caps, but that's the style they ask for and I'm too lazy to retype it.)
Essentially, I looked at how often four seventh grade science teachers talked about why the content they were learning was useful to someone in real life. I then compared that with six weeks of essays students were asked to write about whether the content was useful to them outside of school or in a future career. I also compared it to more global changes in students ratings of science's usefulness in a survey. Essentially, the more that teachers talked about how the content was useful, the more students wrote about it as being useful. Strangely, if teachers tended to speak more often about how the content impacted people in a passive way, such as "bacteria gives me bad breath", rather than connecting to their goals, decisions or career aspirations, their students global ratings of the usefulness of science decreased, so it really mattered the kind of statements the teacher made; not just any statement about science in real life had a positive impact. I also found that that teachers who said that that content was useful for individual students, rather than small groups or the whole class, tended to have a greater impact on student's valuing of science.
Okay, so this blog post is turning into a dissertation! The long and short of it is that after June 22nd, I should be, barring major revisions being requested, all but finished with my degree. If I get everything turned in on time then by the end of August, I should be Mr. Kafkas, Ph.D., which I think I will make my students call me. I like that it sounds even snootier than Dr. Kafkas! Please pray that I have the energy coming out of treatment on the 16th (had to be moved to a Thursday for travel reasons), to do my best and enjoy this last step in a decade long process.
Thanks for reading all of this. I expect my next update will come some time after my meeting with my oncologist on June 14th, but I might post sooner if something important happens. Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. They mean a lot and help to sustain me.
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