Nana

My grandmother, Janet Spaulding, went to be with the Lord this morning at the age of 90. I feel a sense of loss this morning, because I know I won't see her again on this Earth, and that my mother, her sisters and my uncle have lost their mother. However, I also am thankful for the amazing woman that she was. In so many ways, Nana influenced the person I am today. First, she raised the equally amazing woman who is my mother, whose faith is something that I am inspired by and which strengthens me on a regular basis.

Nana's influence on me was also more direct. She was a teacher at her core and her dedication to authentic learning and going beyond rote knowledge is something that is part of my DNA as a teacher. It started decades ago with her "Creative Learning Center" where she turned the family "farm" into a outdoor classroom, where children explored books, science, history, and more generally their passion for learning. At the time, I did not recognize the ways that her philosophy of education was impacting me, but it is impossible to miss now.

I remember conversations when I became a teacher with her about ways that I could introduce local music to a road trip unit that I'd created. I remember thinking how much farther I had to go to be the teacher I wanted to become. Nana saw with the heart of a teacher the ways that learning can spark something in a student. I'm thankful that I had her example, and it isn't a mistake that so many of her children and grandchildren have followed her into teaching.

My last interactions with Nana came this past December, when we both got the chance to meet her newest great grandchildren and when we celebrated another family Christmas. I enjoyed holding her hand and talking with her. I will treasure listening to her play Christmas Carols from the heart and the pureness of her amazing musical talent, a gift God continued to use to touch her and others right up until He took her home.

I'll remember Nana as the person who showed me what it meant to be a teacher, a woman of amazing creative energy, a loving grandmother, and a follower of Jesus. I am thankful for the time that I got to spend with her on this Earth and look forward to the day that we will be united together again in His presence.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Hebrews 12:1-2

"Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

      “Where, O death, is your victory?
      Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

1 Corinthians 15:51-58

O Love of God, How Strong and True

I was up most of the night dealing with the onset of some side effects, both gastrointestinal and fatigue related. My mother also was up early heading back to Maine, so I didn't feel up to going to church this morning. Instead I watched the service at Park Street Church in Boston, where my parents are regular attenders. The sermon was a powerful reminder about the kind of worship that God deserves, based on who He is and what He has done.

I am very thankful for the way that God took away some of the nausea that had been overwhelming me in the early stages of my treatment the first two times. I appreciate the reprieve that it gave me these first 72 hours to know that being miserable wasn't a requirement of these treatments. While the second round of side effects seem to be returning as they have before, I have hope that we'll be able to control them more effectively. I think that this is an important step forward for me, because I have been rather overwhelmed, and noticing that my body would respond negatively to me even thinking about chemotherapy, which was adding an unnecessary layer a stress onto an already stressful situation.

I'm thankful to God for giving me a window of relief, and for honoring my cry for help, rather than my more natural response that I could handle this on my own. It was beyond my ability to deal with and I needed the reprieve, and the chance to get help so that I can more effectively deal with the symptoms and how they are affecting me in mind, body and spirit. Thank you for continuing to send encouragements my way and for your prayers. They are helping to sustain me in tangible ways.

The church service ended with the Hymn "O Love of God, How Strong and True", and it echoes my praise this morning to Him for his sustaining grace and love for me.

O love of God, how strong and true!

Eternal, and yet ever new;

Uncomprehended and unbought,

Beyond all knowledge and all thought.

O love of God, how deep and great!

Far deeper than man’s deepest hate;

Self fed, self kindled, like the light,

Changeless, eternal, infinite.

O heavenly love, how precious still,

In days of weariness and ill,

In nights of pain and helplessness,

To heal, to comfort, and to bless!

O wide embracing, wondrous love!

We read thee in the sky above,

We read thee in the earth below,

In seas that swell, and streams that flow.

We read thee best in Him who came

To bear for us the cross of shame;

Sent by the Father from on high,

Our life to live, our death to die.

We read thy power to bless and save,

E’en in the darkness of the grave;

Still more in resurrection light,

We read the fullness of thy might.

O love of God, our shield and stay

Through all the perils of our way!

Eternal love, in thee we rest

Forever safe, forever blest.

23 hours in

Well, I'm 23 hours into my third treatment, and so far, the nausea has been pretty manageable, Praise the Lord! I haven't gotten up out of my chair very much, and I haven't eaten anything, but I also haven't vomited, yet. As of this point last treatment, I'd thrown up 5 times by now, and the 10th time when they disconnected my pump on Friday.

The nurse practitioner, Ted, who I've known for 5 years, back when he was just the head nurse at the center, seemed to take my symptoms very seriously. We tried starting me with more anti-nausea meds at the beginning, including giving me some intravenously that I normally take in pill form. That seemed to settle some of the intense nausea that I was feeling at that time.

Since then, I've been sipping Gatorade, and sleeping in my new recliner for long stretches of time. I actually didn't even go to bed last night. I figured that if I was feeling okay in the recliner, it didn't make sense to change too much.

My next plan is to try some toast soon. I don't want to upset the balance I've found, but I know that having something in your stomach can help, so I also don't want to wait too long to try it. I've only lost about 8 pounds since treatment started, so it's not like I'm starving myself all the time. I can afford to have a few low calorie days, as I have quite a way to go to even be where I was at after my hernia surgery in 2013.

In the end, I think that this relief is God working together your prayers, my prayers and willingness to be honest and forthright about the symptoms, and the doctors and nurses listening to me and doing what they can to help. Even if it ends up that all it did was delay the symptoms for a day, it will be worth it, and possibly just a first step in the right direction.

Please continue to pray. I appreciate all of them and the encouraging thoughts that many are sending.

Light shining in our hearts

Stunned (again) by the beauty of the NLT's translation of 2 Cor. 4:7-10, when I read it off the bottom of my blog this morning:

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."

Comfort in times of trouble

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ."

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NLT)

I'm still not feeling very good, even though it's now been more than a week. I went to school this afternoon for the first time since last week's treatment. It was good to see the kids, but exhausting. Between being tired and then still having gastrointestinal issues, it has been a really long week. Last week the doctor essentially said that it is probably going to get worse for a while, before we can back off and start trying to make it more manageable. That is going to present some issues for me with work and just being physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to deal with this for an extended period of time. I need lots of prayer about that, but I'll post more about it later.

Right now, I want to focus on the way that the Lord has used so many of you to encourage me, especially in my hardest times. It's a living example of the 2 Corinthians passage above. I've received notes, emails, facebook posts, and amazing care packages from anonymous people, and from really dear friends. The Lord has used them to encourage me, and at just the right timing. Even when I find a package that has been waiting in the apartment office for two weeks, it turns out to be something that lifts my burden on a really hard day. Please know that God is using your efforts to encourage me and sustain me in this difficult trial.

I want to acknowledge one other amazingly generous gift I received this week. The Hardy's and my family worked together to replace the recliner that they (and Ross Furniture) got for me back in 2008, which broke just a few months ago. That old recliner lasted almost eight years, which given the wear and tear I put on it, was quite amazing. Thank you to my sister, Janet, and Polly Hardy for heading up the search for a new recliner and figuring out how to get it delivered to Illinois, when they were in Maine and North Carolina.

I have fond memories of running around my grandfather's furniture store, Ross Furniture in Dover, NH, and the Hardy's La-z-Boy Showcase in South Portland, ME. I especially liked the leather chairs growing up, and now I seek out coffee shops for their comfortable leather chairs. So I guess it is Starbucks loss that I now I have my own amazingly comfortable leather recliner.

Thanks again to the Hardy's and my family, and to all of you who take time to read my blog, write me notes, or pray for me. Thank you for showing me your love in such in tangible ways. It is an antidote
to the anxiety and depression that might otherwise grab me.

Turning a corner?

Thank you for all the encouraging notes on Facebook and the prayers you've been offering up for me. I think that they were a big part of helping me make it through these last three days.

I went to the cancer center on Friday to get the pump disconnected. While they were taking my vital signs, I vomited for the tenth time in 48 hours. That seemed to help spur things along a bit, as they gave me a number of anti-nausea meds through the IV and some fluids to counteract dehydration. They also sent me home with a couple of updated prescriptions.

I didn't feel 100%, and some of my worst side effects the last treatment didn't start until Sunday, but I have not vomited since then. I've been able to eat in small amounts and keep down some Gatorade to keep myself hydrated. I'm thankful to God for getting me through those two really long days and for a bit of respite now. I'm definitely not back to normal and I'm on the watch out for other symptoms that caused major problems the last time, but it's nice to have less nausea and a little more energy.

My sister, Janet, took me to treatment on Wednesday. She had grad classes up in Deerfield, and I appreciated her professor letting her miss class Wednesday to be with me.

My mom got here Thursday night and she is staying till Monday. Her presence here really comforts me and makes me feel less stressed. However, it is a lot of traveling for her, and it is also hard for her to be away from home where she helps care for my niece and nephews, and my grandmother who is under the care of hospice. I thank God for the times that she is able to be here.

Treatment 2

I'm going to keep this short for obvious reasons. I started my second treatment today yesterday (it's taken me awhile to actually finish this.) Despite my bad reaction last time, the doctor was hesitant to back off the treatment plan so soon. Ideally, he'd like to continue this way for two or three months, before starting to try and find a more manageable treatment that we can continue indefinitely. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping to hear, but it makes sense and there was a chance that some of my reaction last time was the result of an antibiotic.

Unfortunately, I haven't felt good almost from the start. I've slept some tonight, but have woken up multiple times feeling really sick. I haven't been able to keep anything down, yet. I'm taking all the anti-nausea medicine that they gave me, but so far they haven't had much effect. I'll try to post again when I get a chance. Thank you for praying that hopefully this pattern will stop and I'll be able to have more manageable side effects.

End of Week 1

Well, it's getting late, so I'll try to keep this quick, because mornings aren't my best time, so it's better if I get a good night's sleep. I've been going into school the last couple of days in the afternoons. It's been tiring, but good to see the kids and my co-teacher.

My nausea is more intermittent and I've been able to start eating again in small doses. That's improved my energy some. I'm also trying to stay on top of being hydrated. 

My other symptoms are still present, usually in the morning or when I wake up in the middle of the night. It's more under control now and manageable. I'm still trying to be cautious, though. I'm hoping that my body will recover completely soon, so I can have some normality, before next week.

Thanks for praying and sending me encouraging notes.